As friendship goes,
it's an unwritten rule that any topic which captures the whim and fancy of
either party will be discussed and scrutinised in depth with every opinion
taken into consideration no matter how ludicrous. Quite naturally then, my best
friend and I found ourselves engaging in the most varied topics and for a while
it's been playing hop-scotch over words like relationships, single life,
break-ups, weddings and the much dreaded/awaited of them all; marriage. It all
started when her mom made her intention of becoming a mother-in-law within
the next year quite clear.
"You're
twenty-three now beta", she said, in a tone that best suits the Indian mother; the combination
of a mother's worry with an underlining sense of a subtle reprimand mixed with
a hidden agenda of a statement thrown open to be challenged. Must hand it to
moms to know how best to get their daughters to divulge any secret affairs.
"If I start
looking now then I can find you a nice, good looking, rich guy in a year or so".
My best friend
couldn't tell her worried mother that she longed to fall in love with the guy
she would eventually be married to. But the stars seemed to keep that at a
distance, for the time being at least. And so the proposals started pouring in.
The slumbering matchmaking genes are given a double espresso-like boost and the
suddenly interested relatives, uncles, aunts, their extended family and their
families in turn become a part of the grand scheme of finding you a life
partner. These wannabe cupids, who probably wouldn't know what your favourite
food is even, spend days and weeks trying to find your perfect match. They
bring with them a collection of the best matches they think would be the most
apt husbands/wives. You know the type, "... this one has a steel
industry to his name", "... this one has a brilliant
smile","... oh wait this one's uncle is in the same field as
yours!!".
A person's entire future being weighed not with how
someone IS but what they HAVE, how they LOOK and other such important aspects.
Welcome to the world of arranged marriages. The success rate may be sitting
pretty high up, right where the manufactures of stars and asteroids sit at
their workstation busy with their plans, but I shudder at the very thought of
it. How can one decide if they want to spend the rest of their lives with
someone based on easy spending and easy smiles? How will any of that decide for
you if that match is the right one, if they would stand by you through hell or
high seas or if they would choose to run through the catalogue once more and
get themselves a brand new partner once the old one starts to wear out? Nothing
does. It's appalling how many zillions of women from centuries have been doing
this. It's so ingrained in our system that this arrangement is considered
normal; a love marriage would mark you as some sort of rebel. You're expected
to get married that way. It's been around for ages, they say. And you're
expected to follow.
I sought the opinion
of someone experienced in this whole marriage business, who's well into her 28th
year of marriage. My mom.
She has no qualms
about her daughter marrying for love, yes they need to approve of it,
she adds and then quickly starts prattling on about the qualities any
prospective groom should NOT have. I get her back to the subject on hand. I
tell her I never understood as to how someone mentally readies themselves for
an arranged marriage? I go on to state very decidedly that it's unimaginable,
marrying someone you do not like, leave alone love; marrying a stranger,
someone you don't really know! After giving me the usual talk about how it
has always been around, she asks me "..how does loving someone
prove you know them, love is quite irrational you know. People you love can
turn out to be different as well".
People might argue that you never
know how any person would turn out. But you'll have to live it to learn it.
There might be a possibility that this lurks somewhere in the shadows of
the love, waiting to reveal its ugly face but then again,
there is a sense of security and oodles of trust that comes from knowing your
partner loves you. You don't have it when your marriage is arranged by
someone else. She agreed but not one to give up, on she went "...yes
the magnitude of risk is a little lower when you think you know a
person enough to marry him, but could you be a 100% sure?" The
answer was no.
And so, very smartly
my mother continued to justify the whole concept of arranged marriages.
"Not everyone
falls in love, and by a certain age you need to have a companion by your
side".
I open my mouth to
protest, but she silences me by saying, "You can disagree all you want,
but there comes a time in everyone's life when they need a constant companion,
a support system. You need a family, you need to experience having and building
a family of your own, and if love hasn't knocked the doors of your life, what
is so wrong with arranging for a companion who you would most likely grow to
love? Touché. Very well reasoned.
"It's not like
old times", she says, "where the groom and the bride saw each other on the
day of their wedding. You can go out and meet him, it'll just be like you have
a boyfriend", she says, attempting to hide the hope and excitement in
her voice. I smile realising how serious my mom is about this hilarious idea.
"You'll get to know him, slowly, just like you would get to know
someone you're dating and then get married". I stop
her before she can go any further; what if I keep meeting him, and
after a few months realise I can't stand him at all? Then will they be ok if I
dump him (which I would without doubt)and find me another boyfriend to marry? I
ask her playfully, knowing too well she'd hope I'm joking but yet be annoyed by
the idea. She seems to have no answer and true to form grumbles
about how she doesn't understand what's the fuss about, arranged marriages are
not all that frightful, no big deal.
"Oh please,
mom", I say as I laugh," how would you know, yours is a love marriage!!!".
This does it and the topic is closed for further discussions, although I can't
help that smug look on my face.
She married the love
of her life, never had to once sit through the torturous awkward meetings with
the prospective groom and excited members of his family. Is the risk of getting
into a wedlock with a rich good looking guy less than the risk of getting into
a wedlock with the love of your life? Those unknown hands your pictures must
have been passed on to, for strangers to comment on your looks, right from how
your eye-brows arch to how your jaws show when you smile. Opinions from
siblings to friends, from gossip-loving aunts to their indulging neighbours.
An advocate of
arranged marriages, one such aunt of mine defended the importance given to
money and looks; she told me that given a choice a person would want their
partner to be good looking and it wasn't shallow. You're compromising,
you've agreed to be a part of this set up, so why not have the best looking one
at that? And, she continued, money would come and go,
but it's better to have enough to not be bothered too much when it does indeed
decide to take a vacation from your life. This reasoning hardly proves anything; still superficial and shallow. But in love, neither makes
any difference; love transcends them and more. Isn't it always a better and
solid reason to marry someone for love than because they have a smile like your
favourite actor?
Whatever the
arguments, love will always be a better reason to embark on a lifelong journey
with someone; the concept of arranged marriage, a compromise, always comes
second. Even then, what makes an arranged marriage between two people a success
in its true sense is the love that eventually grows in their hearts for each
other. In either case there is but one winner, love.