What’s new?

I’ve always been big on procrastinating. Each time getting more adept at it and somehow the guilt quotient seems to be on a decline; works for me. So here we are almost a month into 2011 and I’m wondering what is so different apart from the date, the year, what has changed? The monotony of my days suddenly seems to hit me in the face, what’s frightening is that I’ve become quite comfortable in it.

Yes I have a very big and grand to-do list, all the glorious things I’ve always wanted to do, but somehow these things always have remained in the corner of my handbook, on my study table. They just lay there, never forgotten but never put into action. And the list keeps growing, as does my interest in the varied activities. Today I found 5 such lists I’d made for the last couple of months and when I sat to tick off the things imagine my shock to see the same 1st list with a few additional to-do’s from 1 to 5!! Why didn’t I go for those painting classes I’ve always wanted to? Why didn’t I go learn the art of pottery that has always been on my mind from the time I had seen a documentary on TV showing a woman molding clay into the most beautiful urn ever! And so on… Damn I did not see this coming. Ranting is good, but also I think I had enough, my sincere efforts this year would be to let procrastination be for things I DON’T wish to do, but for things I’ve dreamed of, there’s no putting them off anymore. To-do lists are bad, just plain useless. I’ve decided to have a list that reads ‘things accomplished’ list. So much more better, serves as a reminding slap on the face when ever you look at it and see how short it is than the ‘ever-growing-warming-my-table-to-do’ list. To write, to travel, to do all those things I’ve always wanted to, to stop existing and start living my life, for myself, that’s what 2011 will be for me. *fingers crossed*

Alone

From childhood's hour I have not been
As others were; I have not seen
As others saw; I could not bring
My passions from a common spring.
From the same source I have not taken
My sorrow; I could not awaken
My heart to joy at the same tone;
And all I loved, I loved alone.
Then- in my childhood, in the dawn
Of a most stormy life- was drawn
From every depth of good and ill
The mystery which binds me still:
From the torrent, or the fountain,
From the red cliff of the mountain,
From the sun that round me rolled
In its autumn tint of gold,
From the lightning in the sky
As it passed me flying by,
From the thunder and the storm,
And the cloud that took the form
(When the rest of Heaven was blue)
Of a demon in my view.

- Edgar Allan Poe

Another favourite of mine, this poem speaks of sorrow, rejection, the feeling of being marked an outcast,  but also of courage, of the truth that beauty is still prevalent and there's much more to an individual than what meets the eye. Different people have a different way of interpreting this poem of Poe, which was a clear reflection of what he had gone through. A troubled childhood, being a 'misfit', reaching out to hope and happiness but constantly being surrounded by a 'demon'.

There are times when you know the world is not entirely a bad place,  you see, you feel, you know that there is hope, but then there is always some reason to feel not good enough. There's always something negating it. You always find something that stops you from experiencing for yourself the happiness that surrounds you, and you are all but trapped by this constant demon taking various forms at every turn of the road. The knowing that it's just better to be alone than to have others subjected to your  misery..and have them abandon you eventually anyway.

This poem is about existing on a different wavelength, and loneliness as the consequence. But then again being different doesn't necessarily mean being depressed always. For there is still that one force that binds us all.  Instead of giving way to the external influence, holding on to your beliefs and passions. It's also about finding inspiration. Being proud and finding beauty. Truly being able to see everything for what it is. Changing your perspective. Also being mindful, whether you're on the path of light or dark, keeping sure that it is YOUR path that you choose. Being mindful because you may never find someone like you that you can compare your life to. You can never know for sure if your actions and feelings are good or bad for that reason, you can only question yourself and move on.

Be alone. Be yourself. Have no regrets.

When we two parted

When we two parted
In silence and tears,
Half broken-hearted,
To sever for years,
Pale grew thy cheek and cold,
Colder thy kiss;
Truly that hour foretold
Sorrow to this

The dew of the morning
Sank chill on my brow
It felt like the warning
Of what I feel now.
Thy vows are all broken,
And light is thy fame:
I hear thy name spoken,
And share in its shame.

They name thee before me,
A knell to mine ear;
A shudder comes o'er me
Why wert thou so dear?
They know not I knew thee,
Who knew thee too well:
Long, long shall I rue thee
Too deeply to tell.

In secret we met
In silence I grieve
That thy heart could forget,
Thy spirit deceive.
If I should meet thee
After long years,
How should I greet thee?
With silence and tears.

~Lord Byron.





Four years back one day en route to some place I don’t remember I see this sign board that said ‘A1 book store- for all book lovers’. I step in and find a huge hall filled with books, old and new, mostly old. Every inch was covered, they reached the roof of that place and so I had a very good feeling about it. It was my treasure trove! After spending nearly 3 hours in that place I had with me 15 books I wanted to take back home. One among them was an old copy of a collection of poems by Lord Byron, Keats and P.B.Shelly. (For some reason I love the smell and feel of an old book) I found in that book this amazing work of Lord Byron, I instantly fell in love with. This poem was the first of Lord Byron’s work that I read, and one of his best. This one undoubtedly makes it to my list.

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No Tacit Temper

Warning: The author was at the time cranky, irritated, frustrated, depressed, angry, exasperated, affronted..in an indescribable mood. For better effect of the post imagine the author in the most animated form with arms flying all over, eyes popping, eyes rolling, draaaaaaaaaagggging accent at the mossssssttttt feeling words. Also appreciate the author’s herculean efforts to remain civil throughout the post, something that is a formidable task given the state of mind.

AARGGGHHH!!!!... Sometimes.. no scratch that.. Almost always things go awfully wrong and one such incident plunges you into an abyss of such melancholy it’s more vexing than depressing really! Like the vacuum sucking out all the light of the place.

What is really annoying is that the very undesirable bad luck waits lurking in the dark for that one moment when you absolutely need no miracle or a great stroke of luck for things to go smooth and make them work. Smooth running, no glitches, job done. But NOOOOooooo…. Bad luck comes and comes with a force that knocks the day lights off you. Casting its shadows on every turn, a curse upon the happening and there goes the simplest of things that COULD’VE been. And the result? A restless, agitated, frustrated mind! When nothing goes your way, when every attempt of yours comes right back to the ground, and it seems like the universe is conspiring AGAINST you as opposed to doing it for you, nothing else seems to be making sense either!.. You’re thrown into a world on confusion and a restlessness that keeps dragging you back into those murky waters you’d rather stay clear of. Like you’re running amok with the “Target me” sign around your neck, with a bulls eye mark and so the continual bombarding. And this is how I find myself at this very moment. How many times have we shouted out at the sky with the question “WHY ME?”, “WHY THIS?”, “WHYYYYYYYYYY?” .. Ok maybe not everyone is as dramatic but I certainly have. And find myself doing that yet again. :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :(

WHYYYYYYYY?? :-( Can you not give me a rest? Can you not find a rock to torture?!!!!!Can I not have one single thing go smoothly without any struggles and so much of head-breaking/nerve-wrecking/maddening complications that have me on the brink of insanity? Well apparently no. That’s all the answer I get and a very subtle ‘get on with it kid’. OK SO BE IT!... HMPH!... I may not win but I will definitely put up an undeniably good fight that will make things considerably difficult for the universe to ruin it for me! HA! There you go!.. *deep breaths* *calming down process* Ok I cannot do it, I need yummy food, bye!

P.S. I had to delete all the unnecessary exclamation marks, a direct consequence of my mood!!!!!!!! Poor keyboard of mine..

Romancing the Rains.

Pitter patter they fell; drenching the world,

Soaking the mud the trees and men alike,

A varied set of emotions they unfurl

Of gloom, of hope, of simple bliss or love?

I’ve always had a super liking for the rains, right from my school days when we were made to wear those horrendous coloured raincoats, all through my teen years and now. All I feel like doing is stay cuddled up in my blanket and stare outside, something I found out a lot of us would love. And it makes me do one more thing I totally love.., write.

No more a child, no more a teen even(although that’s a bit difficult to sink in), and still the sound of the threatening thunder, the whiplashing lightening, the soft calming drizzle and the total downpour each hold something special…The weather has always known to be a metaphor for one’s thoughts, feelings, moods et all, for none the same..

And so our mood interprets the rains as well, but the one common ground is that it is always welcome.

Of Gloom and hope...Even for those who think rains are gloomy, sadness is still beautiful. The feeling that the sky knows you’re in pain and is crying along with you, and then goes on to give you the most splendid rainbow lit up across its bosom gives you the hope needed, to tell you it’s all alright, that the worst of storms come to an end and that it all happens for a reason, that in not giving you what you want the universe is getting you something even better…you only have to wait for the sunshine, and together with the glistening raindrops a rainbow is formed. And so we live on with this hope, following nature’s example.

Of the simple joys...For some like me, the simple task of watching the rain splash across your window while you sip at your hot chocolate, reading one of Jane Austen’s classic, makes it the best time ever spent. Having oneself for company, it’s a very satisfying sign of being completely content, at peace with yourself and surprisingly with the world at that very moment. If there is any feeling that would describe harmony, between mankind and nature, between the heavens and earth it is this. The smell of earth during the showers is divine; it is the smell of tranquility, of nature, of purity and is easily every human’s favourite. (So that implies… think about it)

Of love...And then there is that lot who simply love the rains for somehow... for some strange reason they find it very (for the loss of a better word) romantic. And no not just the ones who’re in love with someone, even those who’re in love with the idea of love, love rains… right! This mostly is due to our highly creative and entertaining cinema, apna Bollywood where we have from time immemorial witnessed the suave dashing handsome ‘hero’ and the shy rosy cheeked (no mention of makeup it would ruin the whole mood) ‘heroine’ dancing around trees in the rain, or just looking into each other’s eyes while it rains with that deeply-in-love look, basically an overdose of the lovey-dovey coochie-cooie sentiment they want to convey.. ok we get it, you’re madly in love…Paani ki barsaat se gaano ki barsaat aa jaati hai, as we croon the cheesiest of rain-themed songs.

So here we are, linking rains with romance and why not, it’s a time when we all want to feel warm and cuddle up, be it your soft toy, your dog or the person you love.

End of it all, each one of us loves a rainy day, we have all found immense joy in getting drenched against the elders’ warnings, standing alone facing the sky hugging the rain, riding our bikes in the drizzle, craving for garam pakoras, sipping hot tea, chocolate, coffee whatever your taste.. Easily the best time of the year, no summer days, no cool winters will ever be anticipated as much as this splish-splash season.